The F-Word

(originally published November 2017)

There it is, looming over this post like the controlling A-hole it is. The F-word. Or really the F-wordS.

FOOD...

FPIES...

FRUSTRATION...

FEAR...

FAILURE...

FORMULA.

We have spent the last few weeks circling the drain. Just when we thought we had a handle on this FPIES nonsense life made it clear it had other plans.

Delighted snacking on lamb turned into night time misery, happy munching gave way to painful thrashing in the dark. FOOD.

Diapers filled with mucous, speckled with blood, made it clear my sweet baby was backsliding and as usual, with this diagnosis (FPIES, allergic colitis, inflammatory Bowel disease, whatever you call it...) we are left blindly guessing what was the cause. FPIES.

Was it the lamb she was eating, or the coconut from my diet? Maybe the vaccine we were bullied into by an overbearing paediatrician? Your guess is a good as mine. FRUSTRATION.

So, out of desperation I loaded her into the van and made the trip to the children's hospital where we waited for hours to hear what the doctors thought. To try to help my baby. FEAR.

We waited and played, we waited and sang, we waited and read books. We waited in hopes of answers, we waited in hopes of hope. We waited to be told my milk is hurting her. I've done as much as I can they said, but my milk has to go. FAILURE.

The answer is what it always seems to be. Processed and manufactured, synthesized and prepared. Non of those words describe the natural bond I have built with my children, that I am being told needs to be severed for their own good. FORMULA.

Today I feel defeated. I feel like I've let my baby down. I've given her all I have to give and more and it wasn't enough, or maybe it was too much. I've given her pain and sickness and now it's time to try giving her something new. I'm not ready but that doesn't really matter. It's no longer up to me. FUCK.

Edit:

In the light of day I have gained a bit of perspective and few more f words.

FAMILY

FRIENDS

FUN

FOOD

FOOD

FOOD

FOODFOODFOODFOOOOOOD!

If all goes well with the formula trial and I wean Bugg, the holidays will be the most fantastic-food-filled family-festival you've ever seen! Oh, did I mention the food??

Please cross all crossables, we could really use a win!